I’m way too good at goodbyes

Grateful to have a place to put down thoughts that have streamed through my head over the last few months. Most recently, it’s been a song: “Too good at goodbyes,” by Sam Smith.

Nathaniel didn’t share many songs with me, but when he did they had a meaning and a purpose. This was the last song he shared with me, the night I ended our engagement.

And it’s the song that’s been sung in my head over the last several months, especially now as I prepare to return home. This deployment has been long and hard. Lots of sleepless nights, late night walks, and gazing up at the night sky. Hearing the call to prayer off in the distance.

I ended the engagement. It’s easy to then assume that I walked away from the relationship unscathed. But the more I reflect on the past, the more hurt and anger surfaces.

I’m not good at goodbyes. I hate them in fact. They are not easy. I’d rather disappear into the night than say goodbye. For some though, it’s easy. Good for you I guess. After listening to a song that continuously reminds me that it was easy for the one I loved the most to let go of me, when I felt as though I had held on until my last bit of strength was left, I can say this:

I’m okay with goodbyes being hard.

“The pain of a hard good-bye is the heart’s tribute to the privilege to love.” – Beth Moore

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