Do Me a Favor

“When you least expect it, God will bring Him to you.”

“God is preparing someone for you.”

“God is just helping you to see what you don’t want in a marriage.”

Do me a favor, don’t ever tell someone who has just let go of the love of their life these words.  Just.  Don’t.

And don’t try to get people like me excited about the next relationship.  Just.  Don’t.  Let me be okay with not wanting a “next.”  Let me grieve.  Let me be angry.  Let me pray.  Let me be quiet.  Let me be embarrassed.  Let me lose sleep.  Let me get drunk.  Let me laugh and then immediately cry.

Those shallow phrases only serve to tell people like me that you have no idea what this grief is like.  All that tells me is that you’ve never walked this path before.  So, do people like me a favor and just don’t say anything.

And don’t minimize God’s plan to a magical formula.  There is no biblical support for the concept that the moment one is content with singleness, He brings someone into your world to love and cherish you for the rest of your life.  “When you least expect it, he will come.”  God is the author of love and miracles that give him glory.  He’s NOT the fairy god mother.

Despite what you think, I don’t exist for marriage.  I don’t exist to birth children.  That is not the pinnacle, nor has it ever been, for my life.  So, do me a favor and before assuming anything, ask someone like me what they value most in life.  You might be shocked by the answer.

Were you to ask me, my answer would’ve been that I thrive off of loving, serving, and protecting others.  That’s it.  That need not fit a particular mold.  That need not be isolated in just one thing.  But that had, for a year, at least fit into a single picture I was creating with someone.

And the reality might actually be that for just one year, I got as close as I am ever going to get to marriage.  Maybe not all of us are cut out for 50 years and 4.5 children.  Some of us simply were not designed for that life, and I have, for a very long time, suspected that I was not fitting into that particular, domesticated mold.

But it is as though some refuse to let that be okay.  It has made me feel so divided and confused, to the point that I feel like I don’t really know what I want…or what I should want.  Except that I do know!

Ultimately, I chose to take the risk.  I had the desire to love, the desire to serve, and the desire to create a safe space for someone to be vulnerable with me.  For a time, I was able to also be fully vulnerable and fully safe with someone.  I reached depths of trust and self exposure, moments so great that I not only doubt, I am content, not to reach those limits again with another person.  A broken relationship does not devalue the accomplishments that unfolded during that time.  If you smash a vase, the shards still indicate there was some beauty there.

But I broke the vase.  When I no longer felt safe in the space we had created, I chose to protect myself from the pain and hurt.  But with that same swing that sent the pieces flying, I also broke my promise of commitment.  I broke his reality that he was safe.  You cannot, cannot, just stand there looking down at the mess you made and walk away comforted by those three empty phrases.