So, I was about ready to move to Germany. I did not want to get involved with someone when I knew I was going to be leaving. But after I moved to Germany, I decided to start using Tinder again.
The first couple of dates were horrible. I thought about quitting the app, but then I met Jake. And Jake was different. He picked me up for our first date and took me out to dinner, and then we went to check out a Christmas market in the area. From the start, I was very attracted to him, and I was very comfortable with him. I could talk to him easily, and he didn’t come off as judgmental. He also seemed funny and sweet. He shared about his work and his family. We just seemed to hit it off, and we both seemed very attracted to each other. We even made out on my couch at the end of that first date!
After that, we spent every day with each other. He was also in a band. He sang and played the drums, and that was an attractive feature as well. For our second date, he invited me to come and listen to him play. He just seemed so down to earth and amazing.
Shortly after we began dating, we decided to take a trip together. We ended up going to Spain, and it was on that trip that things took a weird turn. We started day drinking during the day and into the night. And once while we were at a bar, Jake got up to use the restroom and left me at the bar. While I was sitting there, two guys approached me and tried to start talking with me. I told them that I had a boyfriend and that he would be back soon, but that did nothing to turn them away. They didn’t take the hint, and they didn’t leave. I didn’t know what to say. Then the guys started to ask me to guess where they were from. They both had different accents. I just remember feeling nervous and unsure of what to do. When I get nervous, I also get this nervous laugh. I finally guessed that one of the guys was from Bulgaria, which was apparently completely wrong and also hilarious to the guys. So, they started laughing, and out of sheer nervousness, I laughed too. While the conversation couldn’t have lasted more than a few minutes before Jake came back out, he came back right as I was laughing. He looked extremely upset.
I introduced the guys to him, and his exact words were, “I don’t give a fuck.” The guys immediately walked away. And that’s when Jake turned to me and said, “Well, now I know I can’t trust you.” I couldn’t believe it. I asked him how he could say that. I told Jake that the guys were hitting on me, not the other way around. I told him that I had told the guys that I had a boyfriend and he was in the bathroom. That is the sign. That means you go away. It was not my fault they didn’t care. He would not accept that I had done enough. He told me that I should’ve told them to “fuck off.” But that is not me! That is not who I am! I am not going to tell complete strangers to “fuck off.” This all led into a big fight. He told me that from that point forward, he was not going to let the relationship go further now that he knew he could not trust me.
Instead of standing there arguing with him, I just got up and walked out of the bar. I walked down the street to our hotel and just waited outside and cried. I thought that he would follow me, but he didn’t. So, I just sat there, but since I didn’t have the key to our room, I had to go back to the bar. When I got back, he was even more mad. He was angry that I just got up and walked out without saying where I was going. I told him that he had said some things that were extremely hurtful to me, and I didn’t want to respond with something just as hurtful. I needed a minute. I just needed to calm down.
Finally, we left, but we ended up continuing the argument even in the street outside the bar. He accused me of flirting with those dudes. I insisted that I was not. I told him to stop accusing me of something that I had not done. He wouldn’t believe me that I wasn’t flirting, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that he could not trust.
As we made our way back to the hotel, he told me that he was leaving in the morning with or without me. That night, he would not sleep in the same bed as me. I kept begging him to come and sleep with me, but he insisted on sleeping on the couch. The next day, we slept in. We were both a little hungover. I got up and made us breakfast. I thought we were going to leave, but we ended up taking a walk after breakfast. During the walk he suddenly stopped and grabbed my hands. He told me that he really cared about me and that he did not want to break things off with me. I told him that I didn’t want to break up either and that I hoped he believed me when I said that I was not flirting with those guys. He hesitated before responding, and he eventually said, “no, let’s just say we were both in the wrong.”
I was confused. How was I wrong again? I felt like he didn’t understand what it was like to be a female at a bar. Guys will approach you from out of nowhere, and they will be very persistent. You can say something that is obvious, but not rude, to make sure they know you’re not available or interested, but they will still stick around. They won’t leave you alone, even if you give them a fake number. It’s just not that simple. I knew the guys were going to leave as soon as Jake came out of the restroom.
We ended up staying together. I dismissed that night as a fluke and just chose to move forward.
But his drunkenness and his jealousy just became more and more apparent. Once, we went to Greece. It was supposed to be fun and enjoyable. We took this excursion on a boat, and we were supposed to go hiking and swimming as well. Jake didn’t want to go hiking. He didn’t want to go swimming. He just wanted to stay on the boat and drink. He got mad at me once while on the boat because I was in my bathing suit, which I had a dress over the bathing suit, and I had one leg up on my seat. There was an older couple sitting across from us, and Jake was certain that the man was trying to see up my dress. He kept telling me to put my leg down, which I didn’t understand. Everyone was in bathing suits. Plus, you couldn’t actually see anything. I eventually put my leg down, but I was still annoyed.
It was a miserable trip. He kept drinking and complaining. After the trip, he apologized and felt like he had ruined the trip. I wanted to tell him yes, he had ruined the trip, but I ended up taking some of the blame. I had booked the resort, and it was located far away from a lot of things we wanted to do, so we had to rent a car. Jake drove, and it was really stressful trying to find places. So, I took some of the blame, but I should have told him that he had in fact ruined the trip for me.
Then, several weeks later, I was planning to go over to Jake’s place to spend the night. I arrived at his house around 7:30pm. That day, I had worn hot pink lipstick to work to match the skirt I had also worn. I changed clothes after work, but I still had on the hot pink lipstick. When I showed up, he asked me why I was wearing that lipstick when it was late at night and dark out. I was completely confused. Between the time I had gotten home from work and the time I went over to Jake’s, Jake was sure that I had been with someone else because of the lipstick I was wearing. I explained that I had worn that lipstick all day, but he wouldn’t believe me. He said he needed to trust his gut and he couldn’t trust me.
I was dumbfounded. It was the craziest thing I had ever heard. I told him that after work, I went and got my nails done, then I went and got groceries, then I went straight home, packed a bag, and I went to his place. But because I was wearing hot pink lipstick, I had to have been with another guy?! I told him that was crazy. That only made him more mad. He told me not to call him crazy and we started arguing. I told him I had not called him crazy, I was calling the idea that I was wearing hot pink lipstick to go see another guy before seeing him crazy!
He told me to leave…
He actually kicked me out of his house. He said he needed to trust his own gut and that he just couldn’t trust me. After telling him that the entire scenario was complete bullshit, I told him that I was tired of feeling guilty for no reason and like a skank. I told him that I deserved his trust and that I had never betrayed him. I told him that all his trust issues were in his head.
We didn’t talk for two days.
Finally, I called him. I was crying. I told him I loved him. And I told him that I had never cheated on anyone before, and I would never cheat on him. The thoughts that were going through his mind were not rational. I was upset because I didn’t like being made to feel guilty about the things I chose to wear. I was upset that he had asked me to leave. And, I didn’t want to begin avoiding wearing things simply because he had an issue with them. He said he understood, and things seem resolved. Then, I asked him if I had not called him what would have happened. He casually replied that we would have broken up. So, he had no intention of calling me and apologizing for his behavior.
After that, we tried to act like everything was fine. However, he still had major trust issues. He didn’t want me buying furniture from a male furniture salesman. Granted, the salesman had hit on me, but that should not preclude me from buying furniture from him if I’m just there to buy furniture and not to get any special treatment. Then, I asked a male coworker to help me frame some pictures. Mind you, this coworker was about 35 years older than me, and I paid him for his help. It didn’t matter, Jake still was mad.
The last straw was when I had a house party one night. Jake came over and of course he got drunk. He got so drunk in fact, he passed out in one of my chairs. While I was in another room talking with some friends, we heard a loud thud. When we went into the living room, we saw that Jake had fallen on the floor. After we made sure he was okay and not hurt, he got up and went into the bathroom. He was in there for a long time. Such a long time that I finally thought about going in and checking on him. When he finally came out, he said he was going home. When I asked him why, he said it was because he knew my friends and I were laughing about him falling earlier. So, he left. I followed him out, and I tried convincing him that we hadn’t been laughing at him, but instead, he called me a “bitch,” and he wouldn’t believe me.
He tried getting in his car, but I wouldn’t let him. He finally decided to walk home. At first I walked back inside, but I was worried about him getting home safely. So, I talked to my friends, and we decided to get in the car and try to find him. But we couldn’t find him. So, the next day, I got up early and went to his house. I banged on his door for 20 minutes. Finally, he answered. He couldn’t remember what had happened the night before. He didn’t remember falling, anything he had said to me, or walking home. After I told him what had happened, he was so angry and embarrassed with himself, he took his sunglasses and snapped them in half.
After that, he wanted to be by himself. He told me he didn’t want to see or hangout with my friends ever again.
A few days later, he left for a trip. I decided to text him and let him know how I was feeling about everything. How his lack of trust was making me feel, how it bothered me that he couldn’t say that he loved me, and that he had a drinking problem. He never responded to that text. He texted me to tell me that he had landed, but he never said anything else.
Two days passed without us speaking, and he finally sent me a text saying that we were done. He told me he didn’t want to see or hear from me again. He blocked me on Facebook. I tried calling him a bunch of times, but he never answered.
So, I boxed up the stuff he had left at my house plus all the gifts from him, and I wrote him a letter and let him know how he had made me feel throughout our relationship. I told him that he made me feel constantly guilty, untrustworthy, and slutty when I had done nothing to deserve that treatment. That I had loved him and that he could not even say it back to me. I told him that his decision to break up with me via text was cowardly. I left the letter and the box of his things outside his door.
He texted me several weeks later apologizing for wasting my time. I never responded.
About four months later, I ran into him at a restaurant. I rounded the corner, and there he was. I was completely caught off guard. I told him hello, but he didn’t say anything to me. He just stared at me. I immediately went to ladies’ room and tried to calm down. My head and heart were both racing. I stayed in there about ten minutes trying to figure out what to do. I texted a friend who was part of the group I was meeting for lunch, and he told me to come out and sit next to him. When I walked back out, Jake was gone. I don’t think he even ate. I think after he saw me, he left.
A few days later, he texted me, but he immediately deleted it. I never saw what he said.
I hope one day I can forgive him and move on. For now, I just hope that I never run into him again…
She is a Gypsy at Heart 