I’ve recently decided to go back to therapy. It’s always a push-pull before going back to meeting with someone. On the one hand, I don’t want to be vulnerable, but on the other hand, it’s another tool in my toolbox toward healing and becoming a more self-aware version of myself.
I like my new therapist. Besides the fact that she’s affordable, she does a treatment with me that helps me internally assess what’s going on inside of me. If I locate something, she encourages me to make space for it. Talk to it. Reassure it that I’ve seen it and heard from it.
Normally, I don’t think much about our sessions after they are over. She’s encouraged me to start journaling about them, but I usually go right back into the grind and routine of the day, and I forget. She’s also encouraged me to move through the process of making space for what’s going on inside me outside of our sessions. I confess, I haven’t been good about that either.
So, when last night I was unable to sleep, tossing and turning and feeling panic rising up inside of me, I recalled the process from my therapist and went through it. First, calming my breathing: 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4, out 1-2-3-4-5-6. Again: 1-2-3-4, hold 1-2-3-4, and out 1-2-3-4-5-6. Each time sinking deeper into a calm, deeper into what my body was telling me. I saw my fear. Like a caged bird, it was flapping its wings frantically. “I need to get away.” “I need to get away.” It kept saying. It was panicking, frantic, and unable to stay still.
I reached into the cage and grasped it gently. “Hello, fear.” I said, “I’m here now, and I see you.” I started to stroke its little head. I could feel its heart beating rapidly. As I continued to stroke its head, I whispered to it, “I also know why you are making so much movement inside of me. It’s okay that you are here.” It looked up at me with eyes pleading. No words, but I felt its heartbeat start to slow. I continued to stroke its little head and said, “We have been here before, haven’t we?” “I don’t like this either, but we will make it through. We will continue to do what we always do. We will continue loving. We will continue to add light to this world.”
The little bird that was my fear became calm. A few more times during the night, it started to flutter and grow agitated. Each time, I would make space for it. Each time I would see it and reassure it that I was there, and that we would be okay.
She is a Gypsy at Heart 